TGS with Tracy Jordan
September 1, 2009
August 31, 2009
I shouldn't expect a white woman from Whiteville to understand street cred.
First of all, I'm not from Whiteville, I'm from White Haven, and it's not as nice as it sounds.
Tracy: Look, I’m crazy, not stupid. A movie star can’t have a big ‘ol permanent face tattoo. I just need to walk around with this for a week, get my picture on the interwebs, show the world I’m still dangerous!
Liz: And what about next week when you don’t have it anymore? You’re going to look like…
Tracy: …I had extreme plastic surgery to have it removed… BA-BOOM! That’s another not normal!
August 29, 2009
Lemon, today is the first day of the rest of your life, and what is the first thing that you need to do?
I have to break up with Dennis.
And why is that?
Because he wears shirts with the Looney Tunes embroidered on them. Because he cuts his own hair. Because that one little nice thing that he does, doesn't make up for the fact that I don't want to be seen with him in public.
And if you don't break up with him now?
He'll just keep showing up at work to sell beepers. He'll just keep calling my mother to borrow money. We'll just get more and more tangled up in each others' lives until I just can't even get away and we're just like...Oh my God.
That's right, he's the Rat King! And there's only one way to break up with a rat, you have to cut him off completely. You have to stuff your heart with steel wool and tin foil. You must be ruthless, you must be absolute. Remember always, you are the exterminator. Say it!
I am the exterminator.
Say it like you mean it!
I am the exterminator!
I AM THE EXTERMINATOR!
Okay, not that loud. Shh. Shh. People are trying to work around here.
August 28, 2009
Liz Taylor really messed him up, he might have brain damage.
August 27, 2009
Okay, very funny, you bought a pager from Dennis. Can you take it off now please?
Oh, no, I can't. I'm expecting a call from 1983.
Oh no, it got out… If anyone sees a salamander, it’s Liz’s.
August 26, 2009
Liz: What did you do to yourself?
Jenna: Me? Nothing. Just getting more rest, drinking more water.
Liz: Really? This water, did someone boil it first, and throw it in your face?
Jenna: Okay, I had a little botox, and some collagen, and a chemical peel, and something with shark DNA. Admit it, I look 10 years younger.
Liz: No, younger even. You look like a fetus.